Freedom From what Others Think
A quote that is often (but apparently falsely) attributed to Churchill goes like this:
“In your twenties you care what people think of you, in your forties you stop caring what people think of you, in your sixties you realise no-one was thinking of you.”
Whoever said it, I like it. It makes us laugh a bit at our selves, because we can take ourselves too seriously, or rather imagine that we are the main focus for other people, when really their focus is themselves.
No-one relates to perfection
The danger when we worry what others think is that we stop being ourselves, and try to be what we think others would approve of. Or, that we attempt to be perfect, and therefore free from judgement. Perfectionism is unachievable, exhausting and disconnects you from other human beings. No one relates to perfection, we connect over our human-ness.
For actors worrying what other people think is particularly damaging. One because we need to be free from what other’s think so that we can take acting risks. Two because we are in an industry that encourages, even asks, people to judge or critique our work and us. If we are afraid what others think, we may know we have to be seen, we may try to get seen, but another part of us will work hard to ensure we are not seen. If we want acting success we must do the work to overcome our worries about what others think. So, how do we do that?
Worrying about a guess
First, understand that what you think others are thinking is just a guess. You might think you are right, arrogantly most of us do. But we rarely are. Knowing that your belief (about what others think) is just a guess, and probably wrong will start you on the path to freedom from these fears.
Step two is to create a less judgemental world around you and within you.
First, soften your own judgements around others. When we judge others less, we feel less judged ourselves. This is because we assume (again incorrectly) that people think as we do. When we are more compassionate and less judgemental, we imagine others are the same. So capture your own judgements when you hear them, then say delete and replace the thought with something kind about that person you were judging. It may just be that we need to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Live by the sword, die by the sword
Now, soften the judgements around yourself; the judgement and the rules. Rules are used as a way to judge ourselves and others, but they are often not ours, we simply absorbed them. Check your rules, your ‘shoulds’. Do you need them? Do you want them? Do you even agree with them? Check if they really align with your higher values or if they are a way to imprison yourself and be harsh on others.
Finally, remove and reduce toxic and judgmental materials from your life, such as gossip mags or reality TV: anything that encourages you to judge and shows you the most judgmental sides of society. If you spend your time with judgmental people, reading and watching judgemental material, it will feel impossible to imagine a less judgemental world. (You can read more on the impact of your mental diet on your mindset here).
From caring to paying less attention
Of course, there are people in our lives who are important to us. It is natural to care what they think. To not care what any one thinks would make you a socio-path. If someone we respect has genuine feedback for us, we might want to consider it, to learn and to grow. But again, be wary of assuming that you know what they think.
The trick is to shift your focus, so that it is not a case of not caring what people think, but rather spending less and less time contemplating their thoughts and opinions. Energy goes where your attention goes, so place your attention wisely on something positive and helpful to your career, not a guess, a negative guess, about what someone may or may not think.
For further tips on building your acting success check out my book, Talent isn’t Enough.
